Look at your child. Look at her eyes. Look at her gaze, her expression. What is she looking at? How would you describe her attention? Look at her hands. How would you describe their focus?
Photo by Zaur Giyasov on Unsplash
We adore our kids, so we want to hug them. And we often need to communicate with them, so we call their names or ask them questions. But, doing this indiscriminately can undermine their learning. Today, I want to invite you to do a practice that will help your child learn:
Look at your child’s face before you interact with them
If your child is rapt, immersed, absorbed, intent, deeply engaged in what they are doing, halleluiah and congratulations! You’ve done something wonderful by creating an environment and providing materials and ideas that makes this possible.
The holy grail of home-based learning is for your child to spend stretches of time in a state of deep flow, when time melts away and play, exploration, and learning all fuse into one blessed beautiful engaged quiet state.
Unfortunately, many adults unwittingly fragment and disrupt childrens’ attention. Schooling itself can decimate a child’s capacity to enter the flow state, as Dan Sanchez articulates brilliantly in his piece How School Stole Your Flow.
Parents and caregivers, you can become aware of all the ways you may be undermining your children’s attention. With some practice, it will become remarkably easy to protect and deepen their flow states.
The one, foundational technique that everything else rests on is: Look at your child’s face before you interact with them. What does their face tell you? If they are absorbed, avoid the following.
Avoid doing this when your child is in a flow state
If you have noticed that your child is in a flow state, wait until later before you do these things:
Do not say their name. Their name spoken by a loved family member can disrupt them.
Do not touch them in a way that draws attention to your touch. For instance, do not bring your face close to theirs.
Do not offer them an object, even if seems related to their task. Only offer them an object if they seem stuck. Definitely do not offer them anything shiny, packaged, or novel — children find these irresistible.
Avoid calling other children’s names loudly, since this may cause the child to want to see what’s going on.
Do not play or sing songs with a strong melody or words. These are very exciting to a child and can draw their attention. Turn off background television, which will break your child’s flow.
Do not start a conversation with them. There are many things you may feel drawn to talk with your child about. See if you can hold off asking them where their backpack is, or if they are excited about an upcoming birthday, or if they want some bananas — until their flow state is winding down.
Do not seek eye contact. Eye contact is powerful! If you child feels your eyes on them, they may become distracted. If your child is busy and you are walking through their learning space, keep your eyes to yourself. At first you may feel guilty or imagine you’re ignoring them — remind yourself that they are immersed and don’t need your attention right now.
A child is incredibly sensitive to her environment. She will want to participate in any important activities happening in the space, especially with family members. Help her prolong her experience of flow by creating a bubble around her attention, treating it as the sacred process it is.
Things that can support your child’s flow state
There’s a whole learning philosophy that is designed to optimize your child’s flow: the Montessori method. I feel fortunate both to have learned in a Montessori environment, and to have taught in a Montessori classroom. If you’re interested in flow, I encourage you to read Maria Montessori’s The Absorbent Mind. Here are a few things I’ve found, in my explorations, that help a child deepen their state of flow.
Framing. Give your child’s task “edges.” It is very helpful if they have a frame that can focus their attention on the task at hand. Physically, this can take the form of a tray, a mat, or a “station.” If you don’t have these things at hand, orient their chair so there’s nothing distracting in their visual field.
Ambient reassuring touch. An occasional gentle touch on the back, hair or shoulders reassures them that you are present with them in case they need you.
Ambient sound. Natural sounds from the outdoors, the sounds of wooden things, or the sounds of other children learning with physical materials (e.g., writing sounds, soft conversation sounds) can help intensify focus for some, just as working in a café can help adults focus. Television is not a good source of ambient sound. It is quite distracting for a child.
Attending to the child. When a child is deeply engaged, they still can face obstacles and become stuck. The role of a caring adult is to track their work in such a way that you can remove obstacles that they aren’t able to see or remove.
Alternate between “work time” and transitions. As you design your home routine, think carefully about which chunks of time are for deep work, and which are transitional. Save your more chatty or administrative interactions with your children for meals and the transitions between day-parts. Use a pad to keep note of things you need to ask/tell/give them between their flows.
A note about passive digital entertainment
The focus of this essay is on protecting a child’s attention when they are bodily engaged in learning activities that involve their eyes, hands, minds and possibly other parts of their bodies in an exploration and problem-solving process.
Passively watching videos or scrolling social media can mimic the feeling of flow but without the healthy challenge that makes flow so worthwhile. Although you may see your child rapt and deeply involved in watching a YouTube video, you will want to interrupt this process when their screentime quota is nearing its end. I found Parent Co.’s tips on how to build a bridge from screentime to a different activity helpful.
Flow-creating activities for your child
Social media platforms that present kids with short and silly videos on different topics to scroll through decimate their attention and normalize the unfortunate fragmentation of the adult world.
In contrast, there are many kinds of activities that support flow in kids, and many can be facilitated with materials you have around the house. Kids of different ages have different needs, and each individual child is different. For instance, they may find flow in the following experiences with low-tech, found objects:
Taking something apart
Making something with their hands
Reading
Sorting things that are mixed together
Placing things in long lines
Working with water, earth, sand
Interacting with clothing/shoes/jewelry
Start by observing what your kids readily immerse in and explore how you can lengthen the duration of their flow state. How can you set up your home so that your child spends many hours per day in a flow state? Enjoy the journey of exploring flow with your child.
P.S. Look at your child’s face before you interact with them—this principle should also bring beautiful results when applied to husbands, girlfriends, coworkers, and pretty much anyone else in your life ;)